I broke yesterday.
It was my heart.
SO glad it did, too, because it brought me here, to this point, with you…and now I believe I need a transplant.
I know. I know. It'll make sense, I promise.
Everything is going near perfect in my life.
Not that there aren't challenges or pain or setbacks, but for the first time in a long time, things make…sense. I'm not confused as to why most things are happening, and when you're not stupid, that means things can be fixed, repaired, and improved upon.
Then I looked at Life of Fiction.
All the work, planning, efforts, consistency, never giving up (even when I wanted to), …pouring my imagination, love, and passion into every waking moment.
…and you came along.
I know I tell you how wonderful you are, but I mean it. When I say you truly do not understand the magnitude of gratitude I feel towards you, I think you need perspective.
If it were just you and me, and no one else?
I'd still be here, doing this.
Ask RiverFang.
I wrote for her for most a year and it was worth every moment.
Yeah.
You're that special.
So What's Going On?
If you remember, I made changes to Life of Fiction about the third quarter of 2024.
Seriously reworked the ABOUT page, during which I nearly gave up. I struggled with sadness over giving stupid, wrong impressions to those I cared about. Some gave me a chance to explain what I was trying to say. They stayed. Some didn't care what I meant, got offended, and choose to leave. I got the middle finger on their way out the door, then blocked my across substack.
I get it.
Really, I do.
THEN I took the entire month of December off.
First time ever, making my beautiful, supportive family the priority over all work. Ended up having some of the best experiences of my adult/parenting/married life. That was an experience I MUST have EVERY year from now on. Ruby is so much FUN to hang out with!! LOL.
When I got back to LoF, something was…wrong.
I couldn't connect.
For some reason, I couldn't see the future like I had since 2023.
It wasn't the stories, though. I'm more inspired and hopeful than I have EVER been…
What I couldn't see, was my path and plan for 2025. So you know, I've been working on a plan since Jan 1st...and I got NOTHING.
Panic set in. This is YOU I'm talking about. I can't not have fiction for YOU!? That's just….WRONG!
…and I'm talking can't breathe, reaching for an oxygen mask, lock the doors, close the curtains, hide behind the sofa kinda panic.
When I watched Ann of Tell Me a Mystery and Kummer of Worlds of Kummer Wolfe's 2x2 live video, they said some kind things about me. Their conversation made me hyper aware that I WASN'T talking into the universe unheard. They KNEW I cared about them.
They'd heard me.
Then I saw a video from Dre Beltrami…who I affectionately call "the potty mouth princess".
*sigh*
I love Dre. She makes cement workers blush, but she gets people. What I call a 'beautiful human being' and I get her. She cares deeply about others and strives to help them overcome seemingly insurmountable challenges.
Then I saw another video she put out.
When I took a short break to check my email at lunch, all I found in my inbox was HERS.
[shakes head]
So I reached out to Dre, and we talked via substack chat.
My panic intensified…
But WHYYYYYY? I'm doing SO GOOD!??
Sometimes It Takes A Mirror
Feeling mentally cornered, I texted one of my dear friends.
Someone I both respect and have confidence in.
She doesn't know Dre. Dre doesn't know her.
We chat while she's sitting her granddaughter. She knows me better than most, online. She is my kindred and is also part of this LoF community.
She starts talking EXACTLY like Dre...!?!!
Okay...minus the potty mouth.
In the middle of our conversation, I SAW it....right there, on the yellow pad I'd been scribbling on all day long. The section that had imprinted on my heart so deeply, from Dre, which I'd rewritten it so I could stare at it:
What if the chaos isn’t the problem – it’s the process?
What if it’s just my brain brimming with ideas, truths, possibilities, and potential?
What if that wild forest of tangled thoughts I can’t see my way through is not a sign that I’m drowning in doubt, but a sign that I’m on the verge of brilliance?
What if every idea, no matter how weird, non-traditional, or half-baked, got a chance to be heard?
What if it wasn’t about silencing the noise, but recognizing that it’s raw material?
That every half-baked thought + totally-out-there idea is actually an itty-bitty building block waiting to be shaped into some part of the cart-sized life + business I’m looking for.
The Truth
My heart broke, because it wasn't the content that was fighting me…it was the process.
Somewhere during the last part of 2024, I became more focused on dedicating myself to the publishing process…the actual schedule of publishing, and not the stories themselves. To make matters worse, I gave in to envy with so many using AI for their artwork…and I began seeing my own talents as so much less.
I mean, why would you stay with me when there were prettier things elsewhere?
My hands literally started fumbling with my pens and pencils.
But it was a lie.
I wasn't lost.
I wasn't behind or less than anyone else.
NO ONE had EVER SAID that.
This was, I believe, God shining a light on the path I had started to wander from.
The course and adventure HE had set me on in 2023.
…so I could make the immediate corrections to STAY the course.
Know what happened when that thought hit me?
The panic vanished.
Completely.
This Is 100% About YOU
You matter.
Yes, I say that often. I get all mushy and emotional about it, but that's only because I care…and it's true.
You matter.
That's why I love being here, getting to know you, writing for you, drawing for you, and interacting with you.
What caused all this? What was it that I'd forgotten?
I forgot how to PLAY.
The Missing Message
My dear friend said something I think I needed to hear.
Don't worry Lisa, I won't tell them who you are.
My 'friend' said:
"You need to respect your sensitive heart more. Man
y people don't know how to sense when things aren't quite right. You aren't saying you won't do it. You're saying you'll do it at the right time."
She's right.
Thank you friend…who is not 'Lisa'….[wink]
That's why the About page still felt wrong.
That's why I couldn't figure out what comes next…because this incredible feeling growing in my chest isn't aligning with what I was trying to force out to publish for you.
On time.
Five days a week.
"Now you get it," is the whisperings I hear. "It's time to play. Don't worry about the process…and RUN. As fast and as long as you want. Play…and take everyone along with you."
Where Do We Go From Here?
I don't know.
Not completely sure I care, because I know what stories are in my heart and mind…YELLING TO GET OUT.
…and all of them are for you.
Wherever I go from here, I want to take you with me.
You're good company.
Not sure about the schedule at this point, either.
Stories come first.
In the meantime, I'm going to do a little heart surgery on Life of Fiction so I can align the message to where we are right now.
People may leave.
…but I know, not merely believe…that far more will join us on this trip if I’m aligned and giving you what I was meant to give.
Cause we're gonna play.
Until Next Time,
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